My Safe Place

Growing up, home wasn't always a safe and comfortable place. When I became an adult and moved out on my own, I yearned to make my dorm room, college home, and grad school apartment my sanctuaries. I tried....but I was not successful. Sure, those places were sufficient, and they were mine. But, they never really felt like home. Then, the stars aligned and I finally finished school and got a decent paying job. I married my husband, and he had a solid income. And we were able to purchase a charming, but modest home. I spent hours visualizing, planning, decorating, and rearranging my home until I felt it was just right. My home did become my sanctuary. I remember times I would be at a meeting or a class and feel nervous. I would think back to my "safe place" and imagine myself at home, cuddled up on the couch with my hubby, feeling perfectly blessed and content with life. Then, postpartum depression hit me like a ton of bricks....while I was in the kitchen making lunch for my sweet little boy and my husband. Scary thoughts that were unwanted and horrifyingly frightening entered my mind. I became a ball of shame, depession, and anxiety. I was paralyzed by my fear. And my home became the place where it all occurred. My home was no longer my safe place. It now became the place where, to me, the worst imaginable pain I could have ever imagined, overtook me. As devastated as I was to have lost that safe feeling at home....I learned that feeling safe with your mind was even more important. During the worst moments of postpartum depression, I could not trust my mind or my thoughts. I felt like I was losing my self, and my sanity. Today, my home is becoming my sanctuary again. It does not feel as comforting as it once was, though. Being home for long periods of time by myself or even with my family, can still bring twinges of anxiousness. But they are now small, only remnants of what once existed. The associations are fading over time. My mind and my thoughts are safer, too. Those memories and those fears have faded. Now I am putting my energy in my faith in God, and relying on Him through the good and the bad. When I am feeling frightened or worried, and long for that sense of complete safety I once felt, I think of God, and I think of Pslam 34:19--Many are the afflications of the righteous, but the Lord deliverth him from all of them. And I feel like I have once again found my safe place.