Twists and turns

I am still on this roller coaster of depression and anxiety, and it can be a terrifying ride sometimes. This is my second go-round, and even though I knew there would be ups and downs, the twists and turns are still catching me by surprise. Sometimes my symptoms return as scary thoughts, and they stick around for a few hours or a few days. Then, they are gone and I feel hope that I am finally getting well. Later, I find myself being hypersensitive and scared that I will lose my job, and never find one again. Other times, I become afraid that I will lose the people I love. And on days like today, I feel like there is no purpose in my life. Rationally, I know that is not true. But, that knowledge is still not enough for me to not feel like it is. With depression, the heart and the mind can become so disconnected. I can tell myself that I have a wonderful life--in fact, everything I've ever wanted--yet I my heart feels so heavy and so dark. It feels as if life may never have purpose or meaning again. During those times, reading stories and blogs about women who have survived postpartum depression and anxiety become my lifeline. I at least feel that I am not alone in this. And sometimes that's enough.