Before and After

Before postpartum depression, I believed:
That my husband loved me unconditionally, and that we would be married forever.
That if my husband ever did decide to leave me, that I would be okay on my own.
I believed that I was an asset to my employer, and that they were fortunate to have me.
I believed that I was born to be a mother.
Before postpartum depression and anxiety I never doubted my sanity.
I never worried about being psychiatrically hospitalized.
I never worried about "going crazy".
I believed that having a big family, and caring for them, was my calling in life.
I dreamed of being a foster parent.
I dreamed of rescuing dozens of dogs from shelters and having a home in the country.
I dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom, or owning my own business and working part-time.
I dreamed that I would give my child all of the things that I longed for in my childhood.
Then postpartum depression and anxiety hit. Hard.
And I became terrified that...
I was losing my mind.
I would never be myself again.
I would always feel depressed and anxious.
I would have to be psychiatrically hospitalized.
And that would be the end of my career. And my sanity.
I believed that I would probably become debilitated by depression and anxiety.
And that I would lose my job.
And never again be hired.
Or if I was hired, that I would soon lose that job too.
I became terrified that I would never sleep again.
That I would never find meaning in my life again.
That I would never be happy.
Or fulfilled.
I doubted that I would be able to give my son a stable or happy home.
I thought my son would be better off without me.
I became terrified that I would lose my mind and hurt my son.
I became terrified that I would lose my mind and hurt myself.
I gave up on my dream of being a foster parent. After all, I didn't believe I was capable of caring for my son, let alone anyone else's children.
I gave up on my dream of having a big family.
I became convinced that my husband would eventually realize he was better off without me.
And that I could not survive without him.
Right now, I am confused. I am not sure what to believe anymore. Actually, I think I am still in a state of disbelief. Disbelief that this has all happened to me. And I am grieving. Grieving for the confident and joyful beliefs I once held. Before postpartum depression, that is.