Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

A secret mommy-hood confession? Hmmm....where do I start? I know....my confession for this Saturday is that I often feel jealous, angry, and selfish. I envy moms who have babies--sometimes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and more babies--and do not experience postpartum depression or anxiety. I am so envious that they can enjoy and appreciate such a beautiful, miraculous experience without the dark hole that is depression and anxiety. Now, don't get me wrong...I know those moms go through tough times, too. I know that motherhood isn't always a cakewalk. But postpartum depression and anxiety is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It is a pain so unimaginable, and so intense, that it can turn the most joyous life upside down.
My second confession is that, not only do I feel jealous about these moms, sometimes I feel angry, too. I feel like it's unfair. I feel mad that I am the one that has to go through this. I so badly just want to feel "normal", everyday stress. I want my biggest worries to, again, be about how clean my house is, if I can afford that new shirt, or if I am getting enough exercise. Sometimes I feel slighted by God that I have to experience this hell-on-earth that is postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD.
Finally, my last confession for today is the selfishness I feel. Although there's plenty of selfishness contained in the writing above, that's not all... My selfishness can be strong at times. I find myself secretly hoping that one of my friends gets postpartum depression, so that I am not alone. So that I have someone to lean on who understands this experience. (God, please forgive me for this. I don't really mean it. Like I said earlier, I truly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy). I have so many friends who have baby after baby, with seemingly no major stress. I want that so badly. I want to be that mom that pops kids out--one right after the next. I dreamed of having that big family, and I am so sad that will not be a reality for me and my husband.
In spite of all these negative thoughts I have, I know that they are just that--thoughts. They are not reality. They do not reflect my heart or my personality or my intentions. These are the thoughts of a mom who is in the throes of depression, and who is being so brutally honest in the hope of healing.